Total Divas / Monday Night Raw Thoughts

So this week’s Total Divas show was a lot more of the same from last week. Nattie is frustrated, Brie & Nikki continue to come off as a couple of bitches while Ariane and Eva Marie are still a couple of idiots just asking to be fired.

First off, we get to see the Bellas, Daniel Bryan and John Cena all hop a private jet to head down to Cena’s mansion down in Florida. It’s what you’d expect…Cena has an ultra posh mansion, like 10 cars or so, a ginormous walk in closet, a cigar room, a pool house that Bryan jokes is bigger than his real house, and a ridiculous pool with a waterslide. It’s official, John Cena is a big kid as we see him going down the slide into the pool

Later, we see the foursome head up to Bryan’s house — which is the one he grew up in, and he sleeps in his parents’ old room. Brie seemed completely comfortable moving into the house early on, but after a lot of prodding by Nikki, she now is no longer comfortable with the possibility of living in that house in the gloomy Aberdeen, Wa in the Pacific Northwest, where it tends to be a lot more overcast and rainy than in Brie’s current home in California.

More drama happens when Ariane goes out and gets a costume designer to make new costumes for her & Trinity. After loving what was produced for her, she has Trinity try on her costume which doesn’t fit her so well to the point that I can only guess she’s sporting crazy camel toe as her crotch has been blurred out for all the scenes that she’s wearing the outfit. Their story comes to a head when they have to go to the WWE seamstress to ask her to fix the outfits to which she refuses to alter someone else’s creation & the Funkadactlys have to wear an older outfit out to the ring.

Finally, Eva Marie has a crazy idea that she’s gonna try to become Fandango’s full-time dance partner by telling WWE brass that she’s a trained ballroom & ballet dancer and could do the job. Later on, she lets the viewers & Jojo in on the fact that she doesn’t know how to dance, so this is gonna be a big disaster. Which is apparently the way they’re filming this show…to have one big disaster close out each show. It really makes all the girls look like complete fools!

So while back at her hotel room, some guy who we are told is her boyfriend of 2 & a half months, shows up & proposes to her, to which she says yes. Then, it’s off to try to seduce Fandango (while she leaves her engagement ring at the hotel in the box) in hopes that he’ll like being with her so much that it doesn’t matter that she can’t dance. It all comes to a head when before Monday Night Raw, they give her a tryout as Fandango’s partner (this, after she’s been out on what would seem to be a date with him) where she shows she has no idea how to dance. Everyone is disappointed/angry with her and even Fandango says he doesn’t wanna give it another shot. So Eva Marie’s in trouble again & this time gets a talking to by Stephanie McMahon & she doesn’t fire her. So as if it wasn’t obvious with the first show that this show is 90% a work, here’s a ton more evidence!

This show really is quite funny if anything. I really don’t take much of anything they say or do for fact, rather they’re just putting on a tv show on another network, using their contracted talent to play other characters similar to the ones they play on the main show, just without all the choreographed fighting.

On to Monday Night Raw…

So the opening segment on Raw shows Daniel Bryan’s corporate makeover which really didn’t do much to make me any more interested in the match at the PPV. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really looking forward to the match, but this segment did nothing to interest me any more. Also, has anyone else noticed how Vince just glazes thru WWE everytime he says it? It’s no longer W-W-E when he says it. So Vince wants Bryan to have his beard shaved, and Bryan sits down in the barber’s chair that has been brought down to ringside and we’re told that Wade Barrett used to be a barber of some sort? So I guess we’ll be calling him Wade “The Barber” Barrett from now on & he can come down to ringside with a pair of hedgeclippers? Just a thought. So it was all a sucker move by Bryan to beat up Barrett & shave half of HIS beard off. I guess we’re setting up Daniel Bryan’s first opponent after he beats Cena in the Summerslam as Bret used to like to put it.

Before we head to our first match, we get a shot of the announce team…ALL 4 OF THEM!?! We have King, Cole, JBL AND Miz?? This is gonna be such a clusterfuck of a night commentary wise. Glad I’ve learned to tune them out over the years!

Next up is RVD vs. ADR with Ricardo Rodriguez “returning from a severe injury”…I wasn’t aware that he was injured while failing his wellness test! RVD is still as good as he ever was & hits all his unique moves. Finally he pins ADR when the bucket backfires on him & then he’s rolled up. He then takes the loss out on Ricardo, which is either a flashback to the way he played his heel persona when he first showed up or it’s what Ricardo gets for his wellness violation. And with the way he was taken out, it doesn’t look like we’ll be seeing him again soon.

We come back from break & Cody Rhodes is in the ring and we go to the video package of Cody/Damien Sandow and the Money In The Bank Briefcase being tossed into the Gulf of Mexico. And Cody has a gift for Damien in a box that is about the same shape as the briefcase. He then pulls out the briefcase with seaweed and algae all over it & Damien comes out to get his briefcase but is too scared to enter the ring with Cody still there. Cody suckers him into the ring & then beats the crap out of him & then opens the case to show that the contract is completely wrecked. I guess this is an interesting way to knock off one of the MITB briefcases early?!?

Next up, apparently we’re getting a WrestleMania rematch of Ryback vs. Mark Henry. We go to what I can only imagine is the slam of the week and we get to see one of the guys backstage get an earful of tuna salad and then thrown thru a table by Ryback. Apparently Mark Henry likes to wear red when he’s a face cuz while he’s wearing his black tights, all of his WSM stuff down the sides and on his back is now red. Let’s just hope they don’t start making him smile all the time and be the Kool-aid man again. Finally Ryback just walks out on the match which just continues to make him look weak.

We come back from commercial and we’re stuck with a backstage segment with the Bellas, Eva Marie & Nattie Neidhart promoting Total Divas, which makes me think maybe the ratings dropped this week & they’re trying to get anyone to watch by glomming off of Raw.

Good thing Cena decided to wear the yellow shirt tonight or else Daniel Bryan’s description of Cena earlier on would be off. Cena cuts a pretty decent promo & reacts to the crowd well. Then Orton comes out to remind Cena he’s got the briefcase and says that it doesn’t matter who leaves Summer Slam as  the WWE Title (??) but he’s threatening cashing in after. The Shield then enter and Daniel Bryan runs down to even the numbers, so Brad Maddox makes the match for later tonight.

The one good thing that comes out of this segment is that everyone wants the WWE title, so the title is important and this shows exactly what’s wrong with all the other titles. RVD beat ADR, the World Champ, but doesn’t care about the title. Same goes for the US & IC champs…they lose every week and nobody wants a shot at the titles, so they’re largely unimportant. I’d go so far as to say that the Tag Titles have been valued more than any of the other singles belts.

We’re back from commercial break and Tons of Funk are in the ring, and just as I was about to start to fast forward, it’s time for the Wyatt Family. This segment now has my attention!  Rowan & Harper actually have a match and dispose of Brodus & Tensai in no time. Then Bray rises from his rocking chair at ringside and enters the ring to lay out Brodus & cut a promo.

So Kane appears on the tron and cuts a promo on Bray Wyatt and basically says there’s gonna be an inferno match at Summer Slam to which Bray is laughing? I just love his reactions to everything and his character is just so awesomely deranged. I’m definitely following the buzzard!

After the next commercial break, Punk is being interviewed by Josh Matthews backstage and he compares Mr. Perfect & Bobby Heenan to Curtis Axel & Paul Heyman.

Then we cut to the ring for a Kaitlyn vs. the newly heel Layla…now I’ll hit that fast forward button. Sorry girls, but you’re not Trish & Lita.

Back from commercial break & we have another match I’m gonna fast forward thru…Christian vs. Heath Slater.

Punk enters for his match with Axel as we come back from commercial break and he’s sporting a new hoodie that I think I might have to pick up. WWE’s been churning out Punk merchandise like crazy lately. First it’s the Second City Saint stained glass shirt followed by a hoodie with the same graphics, then the remake of the Best In The World shirt in black, then the AC/DC styled lettering of BI/TW and now this hoodie. I think he has more merch out now than Cena does currently!

Punk brings Axel to a decent match and then pulls Heyman into the ring, which brings out Lesnar. This time, Punk is much more ready and he gets the upper hand on Lesnar, then as he turns to Heyman, Heyman plays it so perfectly being in shock that Brock has been beaten down and now is begging Punk for mercy as Punk heads towards Heyman with a chair. Just then, Lesnar is up, rips the chair out of Punk’s hands & F5s him. This segment started out alright and then just got turned up to 11. I can’t wait for this match at Summer Slam!

The Heenan Heyman Family is backstage & Brock belittles what Punk brought to him tonight and then tells Paul to say something stupid. Lol! Paul says he wants Punk in the ring next week, so you know something’s up.

Next up is Fandango who’s entrance is ridiculously long vs. Kofi Kingston. I guess they used this match to cool the crowd down after the Punk/Lesnar segment. I’m hitting the fast forward button. Kofi wins, so Fandango continues to lose matches in every way possible.

Backstage, Stephanie is really failing at trying to cry to Triple H, saying how Vince ripped her head off over the corporate makeover of Daniel Bryan. Fast forwarding continues…

Back from commercial break & we’ve got the “Real Americans” in the ring. Continuing to fast forward until someone who matters or is entertaining enters my TV screen.

Well that was short, cuz the Usos are out to face Swagger & Cesaro. Hopefully the Usos will dominate and this match won’t last long. Cesaro is such a brute & is so talented, I don’t know why they stuck him with these other two goofs. Looks like the Usos are done with their push as they lose to Swagger & Cesaro.

This show has really slowed down the last 45 minutes or so, but it looks like it’s about to start to pick up again as we’re getting Dolph Ziggler vs. Big E. Langston and the main event of Cena/Bryan/Orton vs. The Shield.

The ending to the Langston/Ziggler match is such a mess as Kaitlyn runs in to attack AJ, and as Ziggler tries to break them up, is caught by a clothesline from Langston which he completely over-sells. Langston then picks up a lifeless Ziggler and hits the Big Ending for the win.

So in the main event, Cena, Bryan & Orton take on The Shield. Bryan starts the match and pretty much wrestles the whole match until it’s thrown out by the referee as he loses control of everything. After the match, Bryan eats an RKO, then Cena and Orton clear The Shield from the ring, then Cena eats an RKO. Randy thinks about cashing in, but decides against it as The Shield regroup & are headed back to the ring. Randy walks out, Cena is thrown out of the ring and Bryan takes the 3-man powerbomb to close out the show.

Decent show as long as you have it DVR’d. What I didn’t fast forward thru was all good stuff, the rest of it was largely missable from what I made out while fast forwarding.

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